![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I want already!
*grumble grumble*
In any case. Stuff happened today. Lots of stuff. Seems someone's making judgements about people by what they say. Now if I did that then I wouldn't have friends. That's the whole judging a book by it's cover thing.
People know I have problems, and my questioning and stuff might make people wonder what I'm really doing. O_O I don't understand this whole YYH schiznit. So of course I'm gonna try to snoop around and understand moreso. Not relaying little messages back and forth on the account of someone. Sure questions are gonna pop up here and there about some things I might find questionable myself, but I suppose that makes me nosey huh?
In any case... Got a wonderful IM from wonderboy! Seems Z wants her dolls ASAP from Return. >_> Okies, so... how long did Return hold those dolls for Zero? Months. Took awhile to get that payment. So because Return got the money the means the item needs to be shipped out just like that? o_o Learn to be patient! My god... hrm, I have the feeling I'll be ranted about this. My name will be made fun of. You know what though?
._.
Call me crazy, call me nuts, call me a fucking lunatic...
but when people are those lucky people who happen to get 1000, 1111, 2000, 2222, 2500 hit on my site, I'm gonna draw the picture they wanted. Why? Out of kindness. Granted that Zero hasn't been a kind person to me, friends forgive and all that crap, Z's well... hurt me. The whole fact that, she can just turn around and say screw you guys, you're not fun, I'm outta here. She's done that before. Came back later.
I've watched things.
How Zero constantly bugged Return for this Cyan pic. I didn't know if I should feel jealous, angry, sad. Jealous that Zero liked Return's better than mine? Angry that Zero only talked to Return because of this picture? Sad because I was doing this picture out of kindness for a friend, and never once was asked "How's the pic coming along?" Why? Because I'm crazy in the head that's all ^-^
._. However I see now that after today, Zero was only bugging Return so much just to get that pic. Once she recieved that pic, it was like she wouldn't talk to Return again.
So... yeah... despite all the shit that's gone on... despite how Zero acts towards us... despite the fact that Zero hurt both my friends, Return and Vile... I'm still considering doing this pic for her. Why is this? It's because I'm too damn forgiving.
One problem though is I can't seem to forgive myself... at any rate.
This has caused me pain before, and it will cause me pain again... but I'm curious as to where my friendship really stood with Zero. I'm not doing this picture to win Zero back, I'm doing it because of that stupid little voice that says to 'forgive'.
._. And yes, I want to forgive wonderboy too.
But they hurt me, they both hurt me. Stepping over my personal boundry and telling people about something I considered personal. Doesn't matter if you don't consider it personal, I happen to see it that way. Respect my opinion! Basically never talking to me unless extremely bored. Then saying I was the one who wasn't talking... ever heard of being busy people?
I don't know if I'm messed up in the head or what. I have the feeling I'm not going to get any real thanks for this pic. Any peice of art, even if as small as this... has some measure of love put into it. But... I don't know. I just have the feeling nothing good will come out of it.
I mean... why am I feeling this way?
I'm angry at the both of them, but I want to forgive as well. Yet it's kind of like I feel as if I do they're just gonna go and do it again.
It's just that tiny tugging in the back of my mind. I'm angry though. Really angry. Angry to the point I became depressed and started crying because I considered someone a friend when they really aren't. Or was it not depression at all and just anger?
I'm not saying this just to save myself from anything. It's just something that I feel. I also feel like, hey I was never a friend... in fact I know I was never a friend.
Perhaps in the next few days my mind will change regarding that pic, regarding wonderboy. Who knows. As for now I'm just...
...
Disappointed.
Perhaps HKT might help? Or one could always ride the cannon e.e;
Whatever helps I guess. Saw all this fighting that went on today over a pair of dolls, reminded me of the fighting I did with Return about stupid little things. Yet I'm reminded of things when Vile would offer an ear. So I say this. As corny as it may sound.
Vile, you're my friend. I can't get angry at you for something someone says. I won't turn my back on you for something as small as RP. I'm also not going to judge you by what someone says. You're my friend.
Return, you're my love. My everything. The world is a happier place even if we're one state away. There is no way I'm turning my back on you. I just know that we'll finally meet. When we do, it'll be one of the happiest days of my life.
*grumble grumble*
In any case. Stuff happened today. Lots of stuff. Seems someone's making judgements about people by what they say. Now if I did that then I wouldn't have friends. That's the whole judging a book by it's cover thing.
People know I have problems, and my questioning and stuff might make people wonder what I'm really doing. O_O I don't understand this whole YYH schiznit. So of course I'm gonna try to snoop around and understand moreso. Not relaying little messages back and forth on the account of someone. Sure questions are gonna pop up here and there about some things I might find questionable myself, but I suppose that makes me nosey huh?
In any case... Got a wonderful IM from wonderboy! Seems Z wants her dolls ASAP from Return. >_> Okies, so... how long did Return hold those dolls for Zero? Months. Took awhile to get that payment. So because Return got the money the means the item needs to be shipped out just like that? o_o Learn to be patient! My god... hrm, I have the feeling I'll be ranted about this. My name will be made fun of. You know what though?
._.
Call me crazy, call me nuts, call me a fucking lunatic...
but when people are those lucky people who happen to get 1000, 1111, 2000, 2222, 2500 hit on my site, I'm gonna draw the picture they wanted. Why? Out of kindness. Granted that Zero hasn't been a kind person to me, friends forgive and all that crap, Z's well... hurt me. The whole fact that, she can just turn around and say screw you guys, you're not fun, I'm outta here. She's done that before. Came back later.
I've watched things.
How Zero constantly bugged Return for this Cyan pic. I didn't know if I should feel jealous, angry, sad. Jealous that Zero liked Return's better than mine? Angry that Zero only talked to Return because of this picture? Sad because I was doing this picture out of kindness for a friend, and never once was asked "How's the pic coming along?" Why? Because I'm crazy in the head that's all ^-^
._. However I see now that after today, Zero was only bugging Return so much just to get that pic. Once she recieved that pic, it was like she wouldn't talk to Return again.
So... yeah... despite all the shit that's gone on... despite how Zero acts towards us... despite the fact that Zero hurt both my friends, Return and Vile... I'm still considering doing this pic for her. Why is this? It's because I'm too damn forgiving.
One problem though is I can't seem to forgive myself... at any rate.
This has caused me pain before, and it will cause me pain again... but I'm curious as to where my friendship really stood with Zero. I'm not doing this picture to win Zero back, I'm doing it because of that stupid little voice that says to 'forgive'.
._. And yes, I want to forgive wonderboy too.
But they hurt me, they both hurt me. Stepping over my personal boundry and telling people about something I considered personal. Doesn't matter if you don't consider it personal, I happen to see it that way. Respect my opinion! Basically never talking to me unless extremely bored. Then saying I was the one who wasn't talking... ever heard of being busy people?
I don't know if I'm messed up in the head or what. I have the feeling I'm not going to get any real thanks for this pic. Any peice of art, even if as small as this... has some measure of love put into it. But... I don't know. I just have the feeling nothing good will come out of it.
I mean... why am I feeling this way?
I'm angry at the both of them, but I want to forgive as well. Yet it's kind of like I feel as if I do they're just gonna go and do it again.
It's just that tiny tugging in the back of my mind. I'm angry though. Really angry. Angry to the point I became depressed and started crying because I considered someone a friend when they really aren't. Or was it not depression at all and just anger?
I'm not saying this just to save myself from anything. It's just something that I feel. I also feel like, hey I was never a friend... in fact I know I was never a friend.
Perhaps in the next few days my mind will change regarding that pic, regarding wonderboy. Who knows. As for now I'm just...
...
Disappointed.
Perhaps HKT might help? Or one could always ride the cannon e.e;
Whatever helps I guess. Saw all this fighting that went on today over a pair of dolls, reminded me of the fighting I did with Return about stupid little things. Yet I'm reminded of things when Vile would offer an ear. So I say this. As corny as it may sound.
Vile, you're my friend. I can't get angry at you for something someone says. I won't turn my back on you for something as small as RP. I'm also not going to judge you by what someone says. You're my friend.
Return, you're my love. My everything. The world is a happier place even if we're one state away. There is no way I'm turning my back on you. I just know that we'll finally meet. When we do, it'll be one of the happiest days of my life.
