Slight problem....
Jan. 21st, 2002 06:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dynamo_hunter_a....gotta learn not to be so freaking jealous. Less... insecure. Shouldn't techincally be on, should be asleep because my company is asleep and here while still living with parents, I gotta follow these rules.
I admit yesterday I was stupid again. I made it sound like I was impatient, jealous, demanding attention. Wanted to do something special for Return like IX did by coloring one of his pictures, because it made him happy... but I was dumb and made it sound like I was in a race for attention. I should've done an art collaboration with Return long before, but I didn't. He's colored one of my pictures, why did I never ask to color one of his? Am I that stupid? One of my mistakes.
Shouldn't have said what I did, the whole 'are you gonna send me the pic or can I close PS?'... or however it was worded. I mean... in truth I had expected Return to give me something small, that or already scanned in. I didn't know he was going to re-scan a pic, but I should've asked, instead of sounding rude. Didn't mean to sound like a jerk but I did it again. Wouldn't have really mattered if Return had sent the pic because I was then being kicked of the computer to give room for my brother and his friend. Then I got company.
The net provider dies today... gone for a week... perhaps everyone will be happy. Won't have to listen to me complain or anything... I have a feeling they won't even notice I'm gone. I'm a bad person... taking my anger out on other people, not talking and then complaining that so and so doesn't talk to me, get jealous when Return mentions IX or Rock or someone else. I get upset because I dunno... feel like there's something that I do wrong, because they don't really talk to me? Yet they're probably busy doing something else, so I shouldn't feel the way I do.
There's a reason why I get upset when IX or Rock talk to Return, a stupid one. I'm afraid that Return's gonna leave or forget about me just like my ...'ex-best friend' did before. How dumb is that? Return wouldn't do anything like that.
Stupid ex friend person. She got to know someone else. We once did everything together, but eventually she would only do stuff with me when she wasn't busy with this new friend. She didn't even tell me her name, but eventually she broke off all contact with me. Felt kinda used? Stupid eh? I'm still holding onto that stupid thing that happened in the past. I need to learn to get over it... and as stated less insecure.
I mean... I should be thinking of all the things we've (Return and I) done together, all the things we'll be able to do together, instead I let something small ruin the day for the both of us.
So I guess Return will be happy that I'll be gone for a week. No more pointless arguing. I can see why other people will be happy as well.
Me on the other hand... I'll be upset. Upset the fact I can't say 'I love you'... upset the fact that I can't talk to Return or say hi... or talk to any of the others. Upset that I won't be able to share pics with my love, share stories of whatever comes to mind. I'll miss Return, I'll miss IX, I'll miss Vile... Rock and everyone else.
Yet with all this arguing that's been going on... I'll admit I'll miss that. Yet who's fault is it that arguing starts in the first place? Mine. My fault for being stupid, insecure, jealous... but Return's got a life too and it doesn't revolve around me. He's got friends, he's got his own problems, he's got things he wants to do... he doesn't have to listen to my whining.
I want Return to know I love him... that he means everything to me... that I'd do whatever I can to make him happy. Offer what help I can... it's just that there's one state between us, all those miles... I want to be able to hold Return in my arms. To be able to tell him in person that I love him.
That day will be coming soon... but I want it sooner...
I'm just scared... of being alone for this week...
So this is for him:
Return, I love you. I'm sorry for all that stupid arguing. I want to be able to do something special for you. I want you to know that I care for you. That I think about you everyday, how to make things better for us. Also, I'm going to miss you greatly. It shouldn't sound like goodbye forever, but it seems that way to me... even if it's just one week.
I admit yesterday I was stupid again. I made it sound like I was impatient, jealous, demanding attention. Wanted to do something special for Return like IX did by coloring one of his pictures, because it made him happy... but I was dumb and made it sound like I was in a race for attention. I should've done an art collaboration with Return long before, but I didn't. He's colored one of my pictures, why did I never ask to color one of his? Am I that stupid? One of my mistakes.
Shouldn't have said what I did, the whole 'are you gonna send me the pic or can I close PS?'... or however it was worded. I mean... in truth I had expected Return to give me something small, that or already scanned in. I didn't know he was going to re-scan a pic, but I should've asked, instead of sounding rude. Didn't mean to sound like a jerk but I did it again. Wouldn't have really mattered if Return had sent the pic because I was then being kicked of the computer to give room for my brother and his friend. Then I got company.
The net provider dies today... gone for a week... perhaps everyone will be happy. Won't have to listen to me complain or anything... I have a feeling they won't even notice I'm gone. I'm a bad person... taking my anger out on other people, not talking and then complaining that so and so doesn't talk to me, get jealous when Return mentions IX or Rock or someone else. I get upset because I dunno... feel like there's something that I do wrong, because they don't really talk to me? Yet they're probably busy doing something else, so I shouldn't feel the way I do.
There's a reason why I get upset when IX or Rock talk to Return, a stupid one. I'm afraid that Return's gonna leave or forget about me just like my ...'ex-best friend' did before. How dumb is that? Return wouldn't do anything like that.
Stupid ex friend person. She got to know someone else. We once did everything together, but eventually she would only do stuff with me when she wasn't busy with this new friend. She didn't even tell me her name, but eventually she broke off all contact with me. Felt kinda used? Stupid eh? I'm still holding onto that stupid thing that happened in the past. I need to learn to get over it... and as stated less insecure.
I mean... I should be thinking of all the things we've (Return and I) done together, all the things we'll be able to do together, instead I let something small ruin the day for the both of us.
So I guess Return will be happy that I'll be gone for a week. No more pointless arguing. I can see why other people will be happy as well.
Me on the other hand... I'll be upset. Upset the fact I can't say 'I love you'... upset the fact that I can't talk to Return or say hi... or talk to any of the others. Upset that I won't be able to share pics with my love, share stories of whatever comes to mind. I'll miss Return, I'll miss IX, I'll miss Vile... Rock and everyone else.
Yet with all this arguing that's been going on... I'll admit I'll miss that. Yet who's fault is it that arguing starts in the first place? Mine. My fault for being stupid, insecure, jealous... but Return's got a life too and it doesn't revolve around me. He's got friends, he's got his own problems, he's got things he wants to do... he doesn't have to listen to my whining.
I want Return to know I love him... that he means everything to me... that I'd do whatever I can to make him happy. Offer what help I can... it's just that there's one state between us, all those miles... I want to be able to hold Return in my arms. To be able to tell him in person that I love him.
That day will be coming soon... but I want it sooner...
I'm just scared... of being alone for this week...
So this is for him:
Return, I love you. I'm sorry for all that stupid arguing. I want to be able to do something special for you. I want you to know that I care for you. That I think about you everyday, how to make things better for us. Also, I'm going to miss you greatly. It shouldn't sound like goodbye forever, but it seems that way to me... even if it's just one week.
