Fun Things... ...
Oct. 22nd, 2002 06:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dynamo_hunter_a*huffs a sigh*
I need to be doing something.
Something with my life instead of, well... doing what I have been.
Perhaps if I talked to someone, not just anyone in particular, but someone. I mean, most of this is in my mind, correct? It's just me, going through the same thing over and over, and without someone there to guide me out of this little... endless spiral I seem to be going in, it's not going to get better.
It was, almost as if some people knew I wasn't feeling the best when they talked to me last night. I wanted to say something then, but I couldn't go and depress them with something that's my own problem.
It was like, as if they knew I needed a distraction.
Kind of like right now.
I can't always depend on other people though, there are times when I have to do things for myself.
Something that randomly comes into my mind at times is... it's not about me and how I feel. It should be about how others are, making sure they're alright first. I, more or less... ruined that for myself. People cared, and when it wasn't enough for me, I worried them. I was unfair to them. I can't change the past. I shouldn't hang onto things that have been done.
What's done is done... right? No point in holding onto such things... but just, let things go as they are.
There are things on my mind, that I want to talk about, but then there are things that are on my mind that... I don't feel like I have the right to be talking about. It's confusing to me. I think most people know what it is that's bothering me... but I can't change it. So why do I sit here and hope it gets better? I can either do something about it.. or just accept the fact that what was there is gone. I guess that's what's sort of bothering me.
I can't just, change over night. As much as I want to.
I can only... show people I'm trying. I guess I'm pathetic in that way of looking for that little shove, that little pick me up.
I'm not going to get that anymore. It's not that I don't 'miss' that.. it's just that sometimes you grow dependant on something.
Which is probably I'm the way I am now. The stubborn, selfish and cold fool.
So what is there for me to do now?
Move on I suppose...
I want to say it's all my fault but, it's not. It's never just the fault of one person. For some reason... I don't think others did wrong, it was only me. I don't know why I think this. I'm not looking for attention, I'm just getting things off my mind.
Things that I can get off my mind though.
.... and my mind went blank.
I really don't know what to think lately.
Things can only effect me as much as I want them to.
It's time to let people think what they want to think of me.
I have memories I can hold on to... and maybe one day, things will be better. Maybe they won't, I'm not sure.
I need to be doing something.
Something with my life instead of, well... doing what I have been.
Perhaps if I talked to someone, not just anyone in particular, but someone. I mean, most of this is in my mind, correct? It's just me, going through the same thing over and over, and without someone there to guide me out of this little... endless spiral I seem to be going in, it's not going to get better.
It was, almost as if some people knew I wasn't feeling the best when they talked to me last night. I wanted to say something then, but I couldn't go and depress them with something that's my own problem.
It was like, as if they knew I needed a distraction.
Kind of like right now.
I can't always depend on other people though, there are times when I have to do things for myself.
Something that randomly comes into my mind at times is... it's not about me and how I feel. It should be about how others are, making sure they're alright first. I, more or less... ruined that for myself. People cared, and when it wasn't enough for me, I worried them. I was unfair to them. I can't change the past. I shouldn't hang onto things that have been done.
What's done is done... right? No point in holding onto such things... but just, let things go as they are.
There are things on my mind, that I want to talk about, but then there are things that are on my mind that... I don't feel like I have the right to be talking about. It's confusing to me. I think most people know what it is that's bothering me... but I can't change it. So why do I sit here and hope it gets better? I can either do something about it.. or just accept the fact that what was there is gone. I guess that's what's sort of bothering me.
I can't just, change over night. As much as I want to.
I can only... show people I'm trying. I guess I'm pathetic in that way of looking for that little shove, that little pick me up.
I'm not going to get that anymore. It's not that I don't 'miss' that.. it's just that sometimes you grow dependant on something.
Which is probably I'm the way I am now. The stubborn, selfish and cold fool.
So what is there for me to do now?
Move on I suppose...
I want to say it's all my fault but, it's not. It's never just the fault of one person. For some reason... I don't think others did wrong, it was only me. I don't know why I think this. I'm not looking for attention, I'm just getting things off my mind.
Things that I can get off my mind though.
.... and my mind went blank.
I really don't know what to think lately.
Things can only effect me as much as I want them to.
It's time to let people think what they want to think of me.
I have memories I can hold on to... and maybe one day, things will be better. Maybe they won't, I'm not sure.
