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Jan. 21st, 2002
Slight problem....
Jan. 21st, 2002 06:44 am....gotta learn not to be so freaking jealous. Less... insecure. Shouldn't techincally be on, should be asleep because my company is asleep and here while still living with parents, I gotta follow these rules.
I admit yesterday I was stupid again. I made it sound like I was impatient, jealous, demanding attention. Wanted to do something special for Return like IX did by coloring one of his pictures, because it made him happy... but I was dumb and made it sound like I was in a race for attention. I should've done an art collaboration with Return long before, but I didn't. He's colored one of my pictures, why did I never ask to color one of his? Am I that stupid? One of my mistakes.
Shouldn't have said what I did, the whole 'are you gonna send me the pic or can I close PS?'... or however it was worded. I mean... in truth I had expected Return to give me something small, that or already scanned in. I didn't know he was going to re-scan a pic, but I should've asked, instead of sounding rude. Didn't mean to sound like a jerk but I did it again. Wouldn't have really mattered if Return had sent the pic because I was then being kicked of the computer to give room for my brother and his friend. Then I got company.
The net provider dies today... gone for a week... perhaps everyone will be happy. Won't have to listen to me complain or anything... I have a feeling they won't even notice I'm gone. I'm a bad person... taking my anger out on other people, not talking and then complaining that so and so doesn't talk to me, get jealous when Return mentions IX or Rock or someone else. I get upset because I dunno... feel like there's something that I do wrong, because they don't really talk to me? Yet they're probably busy doing something else, so I shouldn't feel the way I do.
There's a reason why I get upset when IX or Rock talk to Return, a stupid one. I'm afraid that Return's gonna leave or forget about me just like my ...'ex-best friend' did before. How dumb is that? Return wouldn't do anything like that.
Stupid ex friend person. She got to know someone else. We once did everything together, but eventually she would only do stuff with me when she wasn't busy with this new friend. She didn't even tell me her name, but eventually she broke off all contact with me. Felt kinda used? Stupid eh? I'm still holding onto that stupid thing that happened in the past. I need to learn to get over it... and as stated less insecure.
I mean... I should be thinking of all the things we've (Return and I) done together, all the things we'll be able to do together, instead I let something small ruin the day for the both of us.
So I guess Return will be happy that I'll be gone for a week. No more pointless arguing. I can see why other people will be happy as well.
Me on the other hand... I'll be upset. Upset the fact I can't say 'I love you'... upset the fact that I can't talk to Return or say hi... or talk to any of the others. Upset that I won't be able to share pics with my love, share stories of whatever comes to mind. I'll miss Return, I'll miss IX, I'll miss Vile... Rock and everyone else.
Yet with all this arguing that's been going on... I'll admit I'll miss that. Yet who's fault is it that arguing starts in the first place? Mine. My fault for being stupid, insecure, jealous... but Return's got a life too and it doesn't revolve around me. He's got friends, he's got his own problems, he's got things he wants to do... he doesn't have to listen to my whining.
I want Return to know I love him... that he means everything to me... that I'd do whatever I can to make him happy. Offer what help I can... it's just that there's one state between us, all those miles... I want to be able to hold Return in my arms. To be able to tell him in person that I love him.
That day will be coming soon... but I want it sooner...
I'm just scared... of being alone for this week...
So this is for him:
Return, I love you. I'm sorry for all that stupid arguing. I want to be able to do something special for you. I want you to know that I care for you. That I think about you everyday, how to make things better for us. Also, I'm going to miss you greatly. It shouldn't sound like goodbye forever, but it seems that way to me... even if it's just one week.
I admit yesterday I was stupid again. I made it sound like I was impatient, jealous, demanding attention. Wanted to do something special for Return like IX did by coloring one of his pictures, because it made him happy... but I was dumb and made it sound like I was in a race for attention. I should've done an art collaboration with Return long before, but I didn't. He's colored one of my pictures, why did I never ask to color one of his? Am I that stupid? One of my mistakes.
Shouldn't have said what I did, the whole 'are you gonna send me the pic or can I close PS?'... or however it was worded. I mean... in truth I had expected Return to give me something small, that or already scanned in. I didn't know he was going to re-scan a pic, but I should've asked, instead of sounding rude. Didn't mean to sound like a jerk but I did it again. Wouldn't have really mattered if Return had sent the pic because I was then being kicked of the computer to give room for my brother and his friend. Then I got company.
The net provider dies today... gone for a week... perhaps everyone will be happy. Won't have to listen to me complain or anything... I have a feeling they won't even notice I'm gone. I'm a bad person... taking my anger out on other people, not talking and then complaining that so and so doesn't talk to me, get jealous when Return mentions IX or Rock or someone else. I get upset because I dunno... feel like there's something that I do wrong, because they don't really talk to me? Yet they're probably busy doing something else, so I shouldn't feel the way I do.
There's a reason why I get upset when IX or Rock talk to Return, a stupid one. I'm afraid that Return's gonna leave or forget about me just like my ...'ex-best friend' did before. How dumb is that? Return wouldn't do anything like that.
Stupid ex friend person. She got to know someone else. We once did everything together, but eventually she would only do stuff with me when she wasn't busy with this new friend. She didn't even tell me her name, but eventually she broke off all contact with me. Felt kinda used? Stupid eh? I'm still holding onto that stupid thing that happened in the past. I need to learn to get over it... and as stated less insecure.
I mean... I should be thinking of all the things we've (Return and I) done together, all the things we'll be able to do together, instead I let something small ruin the day for the both of us.
So I guess Return will be happy that I'll be gone for a week. No more pointless arguing. I can see why other people will be happy as well.
Me on the other hand... I'll be upset. Upset the fact I can't say 'I love you'... upset the fact that I can't talk to Return or say hi... or talk to any of the others. Upset that I won't be able to share pics with my love, share stories of whatever comes to mind. I'll miss Return, I'll miss IX, I'll miss Vile... Rock and everyone else.
Yet with all this arguing that's been going on... I'll admit I'll miss that. Yet who's fault is it that arguing starts in the first place? Mine. My fault for being stupid, insecure, jealous... but Return's got a life too and it doesn't revolve around me. He's got friends, he's got his own problems, he's got things he wants to do... he doesn't have to listen to my whining.
I want Return to know I love him... that he means everything to me... that I'd do whatever I can to make him happy. Offer what help I can... it's just that there's one state between us, all those miles... I want to be able to hold Return in my arms. To be able to tell him in person that I love him.
That day will be coming soon... but I want it sooner...
I'm just scared... of being alone for this week...
So this is for him:
Return, I love you. I'm sorry for all that stupid arguing. I want to be able to do something special for you. I want you to know that I care for you. That I think about you everyday, how to make things better for us. Also, I'm going to miss you greatly. It shouldn't sound like goodbye forever, but it seems that way to me... even if it's just one week.
Net is still up
Jan. 21st, 2002 03:09 pmAmazing isn't it.
I thought it was.
It was WWIII here for a bit... yelling and screaming, and I had to actually leave the house. Seems to have calmed down.
I'm in chat with Return... WOW!
Lookie all the rude queens and bastards in the room! =D Odd how they think because they make the room everyone has to pay attention to their rules and such. o.o It's a farking room... punks.
I'm laughing at how stupid they are...
I thought it was.
It was WWIII here for a bit... yelling and screaming, and I had to actually leave the house. Seems to have calmed down.
I'm in chat with Return... WOW!
Lookie all the rude queens and bastards in the room! =D Odd how they think because they make the room everyone has to pay attention to their rules and such. o.o It's a farking room... punks.
I'm laughing at how stupid they are...
Problems logging in
Jan. 21st, 2002 06:43 pmThe other computer seems to be having that so called 'check your password' problem. It's not connecting. I'm gonna try to fiddle around with it to see if I can fix this problem.
It might be that QWest is finally shutting down their service or whatever the heck is going on. Maybe it is just the password. Trying...
I'm hoping that Return isn't upset...
I went out to eat, grab some foodage... perhaps I should've told him I had company again, he was gone when I got back. It wasn't my idea. Hane came over after I told her she forgot her pajama top.
Error 691... Error 718...
So anyway, I also told her to bring the computer along so she could get this MP3 she's been looking for from my computer. Had this idea of networking so the transfer would be easier, but I didn't know you needed parts and such. So I decided to have her connect to our phone line.
Sounded like a good plan but I should've said something to Return. I really hope I didn't upset him. In any case I got her in trouble again. Whoo, go me ._.;
Error 678...
I wanted Happy Kitty Time when I came back. I suppose for now I'll draw a picture... something that means something to me. Me and Return. Return and I. You gotta love my grammer.
Error whatever... check your password everytime.
To Return: I love you, hope I can still see you tonight. Hope you're doing well and taking care.
It might be that QWest is finally shutting down their service or whatever the heck is going on. Maybe it is just the password. Trying...
I'm hoping that Return isn't upset...
I went out to eat, grab some foodage... perhaps I should've told him I had company again, he was gone when I got back. It wasn't my idea. Hane came over after I told her she forgot her pajama top.
Error 691... Error 718...
So anyway, I also told her to bring the computer along so she could get this MP3 she's been looking for from my computer. Had this idea of networking so the transfer would be easier, but I didn't know you needed parts and such. So I decided to have her connect to our phone line.
Sounded like a good plan but I should've said something to Return. I really hope I didn't upset him. In any case I got her in trouble again. Whoo, go me ._.;
Error 678...
I wanted Happy Kitty Time when I came back. I suppose for now I'll draw a picture... something that means something to me. Me and Return. Return and I. You gotta love my grammer.
Error whatever... check your password everytime.
To Return: I love you, hope I can still see you tonight. Hope you're doing well and taking care.