Updates

My website got a tiny, very tiny update. Erm...
Got an email from Y. Kurazuki.
Hee... all I've gotta do is provide a link and someone might be in a bit of trouble.
I don't understand why people use images without permission.. which is probably why overseas websites have all these 'Use of Art Prohibbited(sp?)' signs all over their websites. Stupid people who never bother to ask...
Anyhoo...
*flops*
Nearly hit a bunny today.. however, I missed it. Whew.
Icy roads and fog = BAD
Uh... Not sure what else I can say for updates.
*snugs a Wolfy* <3
Anyhoo... thinking...
There was so much I planned on talking about in this little blip of an update but at the moment, words fail me.

....

... ya know...
Sometimes I just wonder...
About things.
Yeah.. alot is on my mind and I wanna talk to someone...
It seems as though...
Things only bother me when I'm alone.
When I'm alone and by myself...
I know I failed so many people...
Or people don't wish to put up with my angst... *would name two, three, four people in particular but decides against it*
So...
Do I pretend nothing is bothering me at all... or do I actually go to someone and talk to them about it...?
I've lost friendship this way though... due to the fact I was only bitching and complaining about every damn little thing... that...
I don't wanna open up to anyone anymore...
I don't trust myself.
*sighs* Guess I just... pretend things don't bother me anymore then...

(no subject)

heh...
and again.. I'm alone.
Thinking things by myself.
.... do you hate me?
Do you hate me as much as I hate myself..?
it's like... I'm fine. I'm fine when with people..
I'm co-dependant..dependent... one of the two spellings...
heh...
I mean... the way I feel right now. I deserve it. The way people act towards me, saying it's nothing but angst..
I deserve all that too.
I know a few care...
but it's like... those few who look down upon me...
I wanna say to these people... so many things yet I know I can't...
It's not my right.. and their decisions and choices are to be respected.
there's nothing I can do to change how things have happened.
Sometimes I wonder...
is it stupid for me to still feel this way..?
I really do...
Should I hate these people..? or what?
I don't know how to feel...
damn... ya know... I'm sure they don't really care how I feel right now. They maybe do. But right now I feel so damn negative... and this negativity is what... made me drive them away.
Why did I have to be this way? I mean... why? Why did I have to turn out the way I did?... it's kinda like... I'm asking... why did I have to be so paranoid about things... so jealous... so... everything...
so angry...
Right now it's like...
things that people say... in a hurtful manner... stick in my head...
Like... the selfish part...
I can't help but look at it and say... they're right.
I hate myself...
I hate the things I do
People say "So change"
.... is it really as easy as they say it is...? I mean... just like that? Bam, change?...
I wanna curl into a corner and cry... but what is that going to solve? My damn problems aren't going to go away. I wanna... go to sleep and never wake up... but what is that going to solve...? Nothing.
I just... need time...
but the more time I have alone.. the worse things get.
I don't understand things and get upset..
and I wanna talk over things but it usually ends up nasty. me yelling, hating, everything wrong...
I want someone to understand but at the same time... I don't want to hurt them...
... and I feel as though... I'm going to continue to push people away.

(no subject)

... I wanna give up...
... but something keeps me going...
I don't understand...

(no subject)

mweee...
I check my email and it's like.. well aside from the lj comments...
Dear Preferred Reader... blah blah blah...
I kinda laugh at things at the moment cause everytime I try to put up the lights... the weather won't let me do so. *grumbles*
Hm... I think I mentioned icy roads and fog are bad.
*punts Inverse* Quit pulling on my damn hair, there'll be nothing left by the time you're done with it... >O
Gas went up ten cents overnight.
Art trades are almost done, whoooo.
Key word... almost.
I want.... mini candycanes...
*goes to find which store sells them*

I laugh

Because it is snowing.
Not only that... I have the feeling that.. all this snow will melt before Chistmas.
Speaking of Christmas, I have gifts to send out, and family gifts to buy and a tree to put up and a house to clean.
Sister is actually coming up. I can't believe it.
Heh, if she doesn't take the kitty, we're keeping her.
Why do I laugh? Just, the way things have turned out.
It's crazy, one minute I'm wallowing in angst, and the next it's like "I don't care" and then BAM... I'm mad.
So I have very bad behavior patterns right now or something... flying purple hippos don't help the situation either.
Dude... *latches a Hane* ._.
*latches a Rocky as well* ._.
*latches onto a Wolfy too* ._.
Dunno.
Oh yeah... the side effects of prozac made me kinda... find amusment in what was typed out. *Shrugs*
Ya know... on a random note... dating is not the way to live. ._.
Friends are the only good thing. Lovers... are a good thing... but only if commitment stands on both ends. With no lies, no self.. something... no ... my mind is failing O.o No assuming from either end. No jealousy.
So... Being the fact I'm co-dependant/ent right now.. I can't love O.o
Not until I learn to love myself.. as stupid as that sounds.
>.<*
I hate blinkie windows!! *flail*

Phone calls....

*quick blip*
Work called me this morning and I was so outta it... I said yes to their questions and don't even really remember the phone call at all.
Around 11:30 this morning they called wanting to know where I was.
x_x
Moral of this:
Don't talk to me when I'm *eyes the phone*
When I'm more than half asleep.

._. And the phone is for me.