._.

[dynamo_hunter_a]

ya know what?
I'm just gonna go and outright bash myself.
I am feeling so.. so angry and so alone that...
I don't know..
Ya know.. I think of things and wonder about why things turned out the way they did..
*shakes head*
I can't... talk to anyone. Not the way I want to. I'm giving everyone a break...
How so?
I won't bug them anymore. No matter what I feel as though I'm always fucking their minds up no matter what.
I'm alone.
I'm scared.
I hate myself.
I don't really care right now though.
I don't care anymore...
Heh... call it, falling into depression.. all over.
No one needs the constant drama and angst and jealousy I constantly fucking throw out. I mean... seriously though..
I have something wrong with my mind, with my thinking.. Wish I knew and understood this long ago...
but no.. I listened to other people.. "Don't need pills for happiness"... various people told me this, so you can't just stop and sit there saying... "Oh my god, this is an attack against me, and this person is just blaming their misery on me"
You can't say that.
Fuck I said this too.
I didn't want to be on medications.
I didn't want to from the start.
I am a stubborn fucking moron.
Is this another call for attention? Another fucking pity me rant?
I don't give a fuck what you people think anymore.
There is so much on my fucking mind and I never tell anyone what the hell is wrong with me. Why don't I? Because I figure it's all ANGST. It's nothing but ANGST. In fact, everything on my fucking ANGSTING mind is probably just ANGST.
I used to be able to open up with people.
Once... maybe twice...
Then all it turned into was angst. Everything I had to talk about was angst, angst, angst.
So then now I'm confused as to what the fuck is angst and what the fuck isn't angst.
Everything I'm typing is probably ANGST according to someone.
Fucking hell... my mind is just..
I don't know.
I'm asking for help but I can't turn to my 'friends' because I fucked things up with them too many times, they don't want to be involved.
No, seriously... I don't give a fuck if this person has so and so on block. I seriously don't give a flying fuck.. so why the hell does someone else come along and say.. "Hey so and so is in love with so and so now"
What the hell?
I don't give a damn who reads my lj anymore.
I don't give a damn about who considers me a whining angsty bitch...
I have nothing to look forward to in life.
Sure, I'll still be kind to others... but if people wanna say "To hell with me" they have every damn right.
I know a few people already who are like that. That's their choice, their decision.. and ya know what?
They're right.
I am just this stupid, angry, pitiful, whining, angsty, jerk who wants nothing but attention.
Is this making me feel any better? NO.
I've done so many fucking wrong things and you know what? I can't help it!
I do one tiny little thing wrong, that might not be a bother to anyone else but to me it's something that should've been done differently.

...
I don't know..
I don't wanna give up but I just.. I look at myself and see nothing.
I want help but I don't know how to ask for it properly..
I'm sorry Hane..
I was a cruel friend to you..
I'm sorry to everyone else I disappointed.
I just... need to talk but I can't. I don't know how to get what's on my mind into words properly and for whatever reason...
I feel like people don't care. Maybe some don't, in fact I'm sure alot are happy this way, getting me outta their lives.
Because all I did was angst and bitch and complain about the smallest fucking thing...

I don't wanna go back to the hospital... I really don't but I'm scared...
I'm scared for myself.
I went driving the other day...
Feh... I could just type and type forever...
Guess it kinda helps.. even if no one responds to it. Hell.. maybe I don't even want people to respond to it..
But I was driving... and well... I started smoking. A bad habit I know.
but.. at this point I don't really care.. I don't know why.
We're all going to die someday... I don't care how my life ends anymore. It'll end, and that'll be it. So... I don't care if I fuck up my lungs on the way. Or my mouth. I know smoking is bad but at the moment...
I just don't see much in my future. I don't know why..
Sometimes I wish... people would offer a hug or something.. but I'm not getting jack shit because I dont' do anything for anyone myself.
Just ask any one of my friends.
So... I dunno...
This is all anger.
Anger at myself... at the choices I've made... I don't know...
If I'm ever angry at another person.. it doesn't last... but within those few minutes I am angry... I say the cruelest things.. I do harmful things without thinking...
I never mean to...
Heh.. maybe that's the way I am now... and feel alone.
I don't want to be this way.. I really don't.
I'm trying to get better...
I doubt anyone sees it though...
I need faith.. but..
It's not so much the fact of the relationship I've lost anymore... but..
Everything I've lost... friends... trust... health...
I'm not that old... I have a whole life ahead of me..
I just can't help but always think... some people always want to be depressed and all that shit and sometimes I just stop and think.. am I really one of those people...? or am I someone who actually needs help?...
If I didn't need help but just acted all the time... I suppose I wouldn't have been in the hospital...
I don't know.. I'm doing bad things to myself, saying bad things about myself.
I just wish... I didn't feel so bad and so negative about myself.
I really did... what the hell is wrong with me...? I can't help anyone... until I learn to help myself... bleh... going to go kill my lungs now.. I have the feeling after this pack though.. I won't be buying cigarettes anymore though...
I'm sorry I let everyone down..